Ice, ice baby — It’s the season finale, and Tila wants to kick off the show by letting us know that she means business! Tila tells us, "I haven’t shown them my talents, like, what I do." She wants them to see what a day in the life of Tila T. is like when she isn’t refereeing testicle-eating contests or giving lap dances to dirty old ladies.
In fact, you may not even know about Tila’s "talents" aside from being the star of A Shot at Love. If that is the case, then please allow me to enlighten you. In addition to being a professional bisexual bachelorette, Tila is also an entrepreneur, model, actress and singer.
Actually, she’s a musician. She tells us: "I’m a musician; I write my own lyrics; I’m in the studio. I want someone who can handle that."
Perhaps you’ve heard tracks from her debut album, or The SEX EP? Maybe Dani and Bobby will spend some time at the recording studio with Tila providing backup vocals to songs like "Stripper Friends" or "I Love You." Both songs sound pretty romantic, but here’s a sample of some of her lyrics from "I Love You" (the song she plays for them in the studio):
I just want to let you know
That I never felt this way about anyone else
I … I … I think I love you
So don’t think I’m crazy when I tell you this
But if you ever hurt me
I’ll f—in’ kill you
You betta obey if you want my nookie
You betta stop talkin’ to all them hoochies
You betta wise up and listen to me
I will f— you up
She brings Dani and Bobby to the studio and is excited to introduce them to her brilliant engineer, who has worked with other big-time musicians like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. "But most importantly," she tells them, "Tila Tequila."
She laughs, therefore forcing them to do the same, but I wonder if Dani noticed that Tila is now speaking about herself in the third person, just like Bobby does. Ew.
Tila tells them to write lyrics to the tune of "I Love You" and sing them to her. She doesn’t specify that the song has to also be about her, but I think it goes without saying. Bobby isn’t confident that he can pull it off, but Dani is. After all, she’s a lesbian, which means she has an inherent ability to compose love songs and play the acoustic guitar. She grabs the little composition notebook and starts emoting up a storm!
Bobby is up first. Tila joins him in the studio, gives him a rappy introduction and then unleashes him on the microphone.
Listen to the whisper
From your touch to your fear
Break it down right
Break it down tight
You better pick me
Or we’re gonna fight
You better realize all the things I do
And all the ridiculous things you put me through
But in the end, I know you’ll see
There’s only one left
That’s me, Bobby B!
It is really bad. So bad that it makes me wish the real Bobby B. was there instead, singing "My Prerogative." Or "Don’t Be Cruel." Jesus, at this point I’d even hold up my lighter and beg for "Roni." Beg.