Cancun? Can do! — Tila is excited to be taking her top three off to Mexico for a fun-filled adventure, because it’s their last chance to "prove to me who they really are and how they feel about me now that we get to spend some really quality time together."
Like my parents always said, Who was it that said "familiarity breeds contempt?"
As they pack their bags, Amanda asks Dani and Bobby if they are sad that Ryan’s gone. Dani is quick on the draw with her "no!" but Bobby is a little sad. He liked a having another guy around because, as you remember, Ryan was his only "real" competition. Which is why he’s the last man standing alongside two women. Ass!
He starts to mouth off about there being "more vagina than penis here" when Dani cuts him off. She wants to know why he’s so "threatened." I’m thinking it’s because he knows that Dani is and always has been his only "real" competition.
Grandioso Hotel — The gang arrives in Cancun and is whisked away to the very fancy Melia Hotel. They’re all excited to be there, but Bobby is borderline hysterical. By his own admission, he’s never been out of the country. But it appears that he’s also never been to a hotel.
As they make their way up to their suite, Bobby can barely contain himself. Oh my God, an elevator! Oh my God, a kitchen! The luxury of it all!
Amanda sneers that Bobby is revealing himself to be less than worldly — a "two-star hotel kind of guy." This coming from a two-dollar hooker-looking kind of girl.
Our cruise director, Tila, arrives to tell the kids that each day they’re in Cancun , they’ll have a super fun group activity, and each night one of them will enjoy a private date with her. (If Julie McCoy had rocked some tats and tossed back shots like Tila, I don’t think The Love Boat would have ever been cancelled.)
Over lunch, Tila warns tells them that she’s ready to be in love, and that she loves very passionately. Amanda nods vigorously (but then, she does this when Tila says anything), and Bobby looks a little nervous. I maintain my conviction that Tila is simply too much woman for him.
But Dani doesn’t flinch. In fact, she doesn’t even let Tila finish her proclamation. She tells Tila that she recognized her passionate nature when she took her home to meet the family. What was your first clue, Dani? Maybe when she dry-humped your granny’s leg?
This sends Tila on a praise Dani tangent. She recalls the affection that she felt from Dani’s co-workers and family, and how it made Tila feel like Dani was "surrounded by so much love."
Amanda nods vigorously, but when we cut to a confessional interview with her, she mocks Dani’s bor-ing life as a firefighter. Amanda says that Dani "has to know what’s happening day to day," and to me this sounds impossible unless Dani is one of those pyromaniacs who works in the fire "industry" à la "Axe" in Backdraft.
Additionally, Amanda sniffs, Dani’s goals are "nowhere near Tila’s." I don’t know what Dani’s goals are, but then, come to think of it, I don’t know anything about Tila’s goals either. They’re both constantly surrounded by groups of guys on the job; they both can work a pole … hmm, I don’t see a problem here.
Bobby tries to find a way to get in on the fun. He talks about being a small-town guy, and it’s clear that he’s a little embarrassed about it. But Tila finds it charming! She loves his country boy ways.
Amanda is so busy creating a wind tunnel with her head-nodding that she doesn’t hear Tila say this to him. This will matter later.
Tila tells Amanda that when she visited her family, she learned that she’s not just some obnoxious, braying rocker chick. But Tila says it much more nicely than that. Bobby and Dani nod and smile tersely as Tila sings Amanda’s praises, but they are totally skeeved out.
Flipp(er)ed off — One of the many super fun activities that Tila has arranged for them all is the chance to swim with some dolphins. Tila talks about how excited she and the contestants are to do this, and how getting pushed around by the dolphins is like "an orgasm … under water!" The dolphins nod and smile tersely, but they are totally skeeved out.
Tila finds Bobby’s wide-eyed wonder at pretty much everything they do in Cancun totally endearing. As Bobby raises his arms to the sky and is propelled forward through the water by the accommodating dolphins, we hear the strains of Whitney Houston’s "Greatest Love of All."
The only thing funnier than this is the pairing of the lyrics "They can’t take away my dignity" with Amanda’s bikini-bottomless ride with the dolphins. Whoops! Thank God the editors aren’t on strike!
Afterward, Tila announces that she has to go back to the hotel to get ready for her date with … Amanda. What!?
Tila tells us, "Amanda has proven to me that she’s willing to do whatever it takes to get me to be her woman." Taking the cue, Bobby and Dani begin loosening up the strings on their respective board shorts.
Amanda tells us that her strategy in Cancun is to expose her competitors. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the board shorts.