“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.8 “Welcome to the Family”


Bratty sister Lauren is the first to recover, with an audible, "Oh, really?" We later learn that at that moment, Ryan’s mom wanted to "throw up." Yep, they’re good people!

Tila tries to soften the blow by telling them that "everyone" was shocked to learn of her bisexuality at the beginning of the show. She calmly tells them: "I’m bisexual, and I’m looking for love. I just love people. I don’t judge people by their color or who they are or what they do." (Did she steal this bit from Domenico?)

And as she says all of this, Lauren can barely suppress an evil smirk. Watching your brother do something that you know is going to get his ass whipped later is a special, sisterly joy that crosses all economic and cultural lines.

Ryan’s dad later tells us that his "family values are very, very strong" — whatever that means — and knowing that Tila goes "both ways" disturbs him. He adds: "Her values are different from my values. For him to bring something like this home is not right." And, yes, by "this" he means Tila. Not "her," just "this."

Make a note. I did.

Over dinner, Tila tries to win some points by flirting with Dad, announcing that he’s handsome and that he could turn her straight. Which might actually be funny if dear old Dad wasn’t a big homophobe who thinks she should be straight.

Tila asks the sisters if they’ve had any bisexual friends, and they laugh hysterically. Tila asks Lauren if she has a girlfriend, and Lauren says firmly, "I have a boyfriend." Tila replies, "That’s too bad."

Later, Lauren reiterates (with a quivering voice): "I’m straight. I would never be a bisexual. I have a boyfriend." Gulp.

Dinner is served. And by "served" I mean by an actual "server." Tila, in a clear effort to play nice with the conservative folks, suggests that they say grace before eating. The blank looks she receives make it clear that prayer before meals isn’t a requirement there. Maybe they aren’t those kinds of Republicans.

But they humor her and fold their hands and bow their heads as Tila launches into a prayer of gratitude for "Ryan’s super-hot body, which makes me melt like cheddar cheese on my meat. And thank God for Ryan’s super-hot family … I think his sister is maybe bisexual in a few years. And thank you for the food. Amen!"

Over dinner, Tila regales them with anecdotes from the show. She tells them that when she jumped into the swimming pool of pudding, Ryan pulled off her shirt. But Tila has messed up with them again because, as his mom later tells us, "We don’t usually talk about nipples at the dinner table." (Note to self: Never eat dinner at Ryan’s house.)

Ryan’s dad manages to steer the conversation away from fun and nudity and back to money and responsibility. Tila makes it clear that she comes from a humble background, and after grilling her about it he grudgingly gives her credit for making something of herself. This guy is a massive tool.

Ryan rescues Tila (and all of us, really) from this family horror by suddenly taking her away from the dinner table for a "tour of the house" — which is really just a tour of his bedroom. Tila is worried that this might be rude, but Ryan grunts, "not in this house," as he throws her down on the bed and mounts her. Dani would be appalled, but Tila tells us that she found his act of rebellion "hot."

Later, as they say their farewells, Tila tells us that she thinks the visit went well because his family laughed at everything she said, and she got the vibe that they were "very open to being accepting of who I am." Meanwhile, Ryan’s mom is probably already on the phone trying to find an industrial cleaner to come give her house a Silkwood shower.

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