Mercedes Boy — Tila hauls her ass back across the country to Trenton, N.J., to meet Ryan’s family. He rolls up in a shiny black Benz and whisks her away, making a quick pit stop at a restaurant to show her off to his two best friends. Something tells me they will be very supportive of this union.
Tila enters the room on Ryan’s arm, all dolled up in a skimpy red halter top and microscopic denim loincloth, and the guys leap to their feet to greet her. But Ryan has neglected to tell them that she’s bisexual, and when he does, they are shocked.
"Really?" one asks with a leer. The other one, Keith, adds, "That’s wild." The other friend licks his chops ands says, "Really?" again. Eww.
It’s not a good sign when they immediately begin discussing how Ryan’s dad will react to this information.
Tila: So your dad’s very traditional?
Ryan: My dad’s like a hardworking man. He —
Wolfish friend: He’s like a sergeant. No, a general.
But I think that if he had a better vocabulary (and wasn’t afraid that he might pay for it later), he would instead say that Ryan’s dad is a "dictator" or perhaps an "autocratic ruler."
Well, whatever the nature of his oppressive personality may be, the friends tell Tila that she should "be prepared" because whatever Ryan’s dad says "goes."
Tila smiles nervously, but she looks uncharacteristically scared and like she might barf. Ryan continues to sputter on about how great his dad is, but with an undertone of fear in his voice. And now everyone‘s father issues are displayed on the table like second-hand merchandise at a swap meet!
They say goodbye, and Ryan’s wolfish friend envelops Tila in his arms. He gazes at her and says, "I hope you pick him." The second, unspoken part of that sentence is, "So that when I get drunk at your wedding reception I can feel you up."
As they roll up to Ryan’s family estate, Tila is already intimidated by the display of wealth. She tells us, wide-eyed, "It’s a bit much for me." For once, Ryan’s silver spoon may just work against him.
They walk into the house and are greeted by the whole family. But the only one that Tila sees is Ryan’s blond, unnaturally tan sister, Lauren. Tila giggles and tells us that her reaction was: "Wow. Who is that? She is hot. My gosh, like, more so than Ryan!"
But the feeling is not entirely mutual. Later, his sister tells us, "My family was definitely shocked when Tila came in because she’s very cute, and she’s … exotic in many different ways." Then silence. A horrible, awkward silence as Lauren stares into the camera. Cue the sound of a record needle ripping across an album.
Outside, the family gathers by the pool, and Tila tells them a little about the show.
Tila: We have a girls’ and a guys’ competition, and the guys lose every time!
Ryan: You might wonder why there’s a girls’ competition. Do you understand what’s going on?
Mom and Dad: No.
Ryan: She’s bisexual.
Cue record ripping sound again. They stare at Ryan and Tila in silent horror, then nod a little and mouth the word "oh" as they try to turn their grimaces into polite smiles.