On the road again — It’s the morning after Domenico’s departure, and the Fantastic Four contestants who still have a shot at Tila’s love are packing their bags. Their reward for surviving the catfights, the butt-waxing and the testicle-eating? They get to take Tila home to meet the family.
If your mother, like mine, is a devoted viewer of this show, she’s probably relieved that you aren’t a contestant right about now. Think of the extensive house cleaning she would have to do in preparation for being on national television! She would never forgive you.
Bobby and Ryan speculate about what it will be like when Tila meets their families, and Bobby tells us that Ryan is his only "real" competition (you know, because he’s a guy), and he fears he may be at a disadvantage because Ryan comes from money. I like it when Bobby feels insecure. It makes me laugh.
In the bathroom, Amanda is in the middle of the 18-step process of drying and styling her giant blond mane, and Dani appears to be arranging her eyebrows. Amanda wonders what Tila will think of her large family of special-needs siblings, while Dani predicts her own family will meet Tila, "crack open a beer" and say "cheers!" I think Dani may be my cousin.
Tila is digging the idea of being the
redheaded stepchild queer Maxim model at a family reunion.
Tila: These families will not have a clue what hit them ’cause these guys have not brought a girl like me home before. I can guarantee that! They’re going to find out that I’m a bisexual, and if they don’t like it, peace out!
What an interesting turn of events! Having bigoted family members will get you eliminated. Which means that this time, the lesbians have the advantage. That’s cool, but for the first time in weeks, I miss Ashley. I would love to have met his family.
Little pink houses — The first stop on Tila’s Scare the Parents Tour is Worcester, N.Y., where Bobby’s parents reside. Bobby takes her out for a hot date at the Cobleskill Bowling Center, where he shows off his bowling prowess and charms Tila with his witty repartee. (E.g., "I want you to use a blue ball because I’ve had blue balls the whole time I’ve been at the house." No, I’m not kidding. He really said that. Ugh.)
Tila can sing, Tila can writhe, Tila can host her own reality show. Like Madonna, J. Lo, and Tyra, Tila can do just about anything. But she can’t bowl. She nearly sends herself tumbling headlong down the alley with her bowling ball, which weighs about 5 pounds more than she does. Still, it doesn’t stop her and Bobby from "looking for friction" for the better part of the afternoon.
Bobby is nervous that meeting his family will change the more worldly and free-spirited Tila’s feelings about him. And it doesn’t help that as they drive to his family home, Tila exclaims, "Wow, we’re really in the boonies!" (Somewhere in a sound editing booth in Hollywood, a person has just successfully resisted the urge to cue up the theme from Deliverance.)
It’s kind of cute when Tila enters the kitchen and sees his entire family curiously staring back at her. She smiles, waves and giggles. Bobby’s father, brother and stepfather grin nervously. A daughter/sister-in-law like Tila is the stuff of art house cinema, and we all know how that usually ends.