“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.5 “I Always Get What I Want”

 
 

There’s got to be a morning after — Somehow after Ashley’s bloody “rampage” the night before, the remaining contestants were able to calm down and get some shut-eye. (And I’m sure it was without the aid of booze or pharmaceuticals.) The camera pans across the slumbering bodies in the big bed of depravity, and I am suddenly reminded of another reason why I would never be on a reality TV show: I might be filmed sleeping. In this episode, the camera crew is playing nice and staying away from anyone who might be drooling or snoring or working on a really tragic case of bed head. For now.

Bobby is sleepless in Sodom. After getting attacked by the crazy hillbilly the night before, he is contemplative. He tells us that he is fine and that the trip to the hospital was a blessing because it provided him with some valuable one-on-one time with Tila. When life gives you lemons…

Ryan’s looking on the bright side too.

Ryan: After Ashley put on his little psycho show, everyone was just drained. I took it upon myself to raise everyone’s spirits.

Mimosas for all? Maybe whip up some pancakes? No. It’s Ryan, you see. Cut to him pulling out one of those hideous air horns and blasting it at all of the sleeping beauties. He just keeps giving me new reasons to hate him.

Vanessa agrees.

Vanessa: Waking up this morning was like waking up in a terrible, disgusting frat house. I hate men.

Yikes! I thought Vanessa was a lesbian — I’ve only ever heard straight women say that before!

I get a whiff of Rebecca-vibe from her, so we’ll see. As far as I’m concerned, she could just as easily wind up “massaging” Steven under the sheets as she could holding a pillow over his head and suffocating him. Or Ryan, for that matter. Actually, yeah, I want her to start suffocating Ryan.

Working at the car wash — The contestants head downstairs and get their new message from Tila. She tells them that things have gotten dirty around the compound and they are all going to clean things up — while wearing the puffy pink and blue undergarments displayed there for them.

The skimpy little nothings look like they’re made of marshmallow, and I can’t help but wonder, “What is Dani thinking right now?” I imagine her snatching one of the blue boy thongs from the hands of Domenico or Michael (she could easily whup of either of them, right?) and marching out to Tila in full gender-rebel regalia. Then she could really lick some pie!

Tila tells us that the contestants must clean off two mud-encrusted Hummers using their spongy undies, and whoever does it the fastest and the most creatively will win. What will they win? Hmm, could it possibly be more time with Tila?

The contestants march outside (to the strains of “The Final Countdown” no less), where Tila sits perched like an adorably trampy little bird atop a towering chair. She tells them that they will be divided into two teams, then she inexplicably names Michael and Domenico the captains and charges them with choosing their teammates “playground style.” These words make Vanessa jump up and down with excitement, which tells me that she was never fat or unpopular. She tells us that back in the day, she was always the captain — and then she details her harsh style of accepting or rejecting her teammates. What a bitch. I hope she is chosen last.

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