Sweet forgiveness — After screwing around with Rebecca and not getting eliminated last week, Brandi doesn’t understand how she dodged a bullet. But she is promising to clean up her act and not get involved with "any other girls. Or guys." Umm … how do you mean that? I guess we’ll have to wait and see if she pulls a Rebecca.
Rebecca’s other partner in crime, Steven, is also happy to have avoided a much deserved boot out the door of Tila’s crib. But rather than play the gratitude angle, he approaches the situation with the same sort of self-satisfied smugness that made me loathe him last week. He deserves to be here, by God, and he’s not going to let anything get in the way of him putting himself "out there." Unfortunately, he does not mean "out there" as in "out there in the backyard."
Message in a bottle — The next day, Tila leaves them a new message, inviting the guys to compete against the girls in her first ever "bi-athlon" (get it?).
Ryan doesn’t get it. He tells us: "Even though it says ‘bi-athlon’ on the back of my tank top, there’s no bi in me, at all! Not today, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not anytime in the future."
Dani wants to know why she didn’t get a gray tank top (instead of that girlie pink one). One of her dippy competitors says, "Because you’re on the girl team." Dani nods her head earnestly and says, "Right," as if this had not already occurred to her. Dani says she doesn’t know if she’s stronger, but she thinks that there is definitely some man ass out there that she can whup.
Pizza guy Michael makes the same mistake as many a male reality show competitor does when pitted against women. He presumes that his Y-chromosome guarantees him victory.
Oh, Michael. Your ruddy cheeks show that you aren’t even capable of correctly applying sunscreen before a day at the carnival. Do you really think you can outwit a girl — particularly the kinds of girls who religiously moisturize every night before bed?
Now that’s what I call teamwork — The two teams arrive at the bi-athlon site, where they find Tila all dolled up in a naughty referee uniform. Cut to Ashley, who tells us (through half-lidded eyes) in a lust-slurred voice, "She had a little referee outfit on, with her high heels, lookin’ like a zebra I wanna jump on and ride."
Tila explains that the two teams are competing against one another in some sort of obscene obstacle course. Each member must blow up a "tiny Tila doll," then drag her along with them as they run through tires, dive under "army mesh," fish around in a sand pit for a necklace, climb an inflatable sliding board. and slide down into a wading pool filled with about a thimbleful of water. The first team whose members fully complete the challenge wins the game and some time in either "heaven" or "hell" with Tila.
Sara has a bad attitude. She tells us that while the guys are doing that weird straight guy thing where they scream really loud at each other as a form of inspiration, the girls are thinking, "We’re gonna lose." I would so pick her last for my team!
The girls may not know the power of positive thinking, but at least they keep their heads together long enough to decide to make Ashli go first and leave Dani last to clean up. The guys employ a similar strategy, with pizza guy Michael going first and ripped Ryan going last.
Ashli huffs and puffs on her little inflatable Tila, as her teammate Rebecca helpfully
screams cheers "Blow, virgin, blow!" That schmuck Steven is, yet again, confident that the girls are no competition, which makes me want to scream, "Lose, tool, lose!"
One by one the guys outrun the women, with the exception of that useless Domenico, who can’t seem to shut up long enough to scale the plastic ladder. As he fumbles, the women make up for lost time.
In the end, the last guy left to run the course is Ryan, and both Brandi and Dani are still waiting to go on the women’s side. As Ryan and Brandi both blow up their dolls, Dani tells us that she hasn’t lost hope: "I’m a competitor, so it’s not over till it’s over."
Thank God she is going last and not Sara, who would probably just jam one of her piercings into the Tila doll and throw the game.
As the normally lethargic Brandi bounds across the field like a little bunny rabbit all jacked up on speed, Ryan is on all fours in the sandpit, searching for the last necklace. Keep in mind that this is not a delicate little chain we’re talking about; it’s more akin to pimp-wear. The necklace in question is so large and clunky that I’m surprised that no one has knocked their brains out with it as they hurl themselves over the slide.
But somehow Ryan just can’t find it. I hope Tila makes a note of this. If he can’t find this big ass medallion, there’s probably all sorts of other things — smaller, more important things — that he won’t be able to find either. Heh.
Dani tells us: "Ryan’s in the sandbox and I’m like a bull that sees red. There’s nothin’ stopping me. I want to beat this guy."
And she does.