"A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila" Recaps: Episode 1.1

Before there's time for me to really consider this question, the Rebecca-Tila moment is wrecked by an odd bird named Keasha (an interior designer from Tulsa, Okla.), who likes to say "hey, girl, hey" as a substitute for just about anything. It can mean, "Hello, Tila," or "Let's party," or even, "No I did not step on your foot with my fancy pink pumps!"

She tries to horn in on their interlude, but Rebecca dispatches her handily. Something tells me that just like a foot fungus, she'll be back.

Tila makes her way over to Sara and Dani, who are engaged in some polite small talk. That is until Tila gets one look at Sara, tells her she's like a tiger and then immediately starts making out with her. And yeah, it's kinda hot.

Porn music is cued while Dani, who seems to have temporarily forgotten that she is a contestant and not some dyke who plunked down $40 at a strip club to watch this private show, looks on, mouth agape. She asks no one in particular to bring "more vodka," but those are about the only words she gets out.

Tila pulls herself off Sara and saunters away, and Dani has her eyes glued to Tila's ass as she goes. I think if Dani gets sent home tonight, she will still feel like the juice was worth the squeeze.

Back inside, Tila finds a mini-pack of lesbians and quickly inserts herself in their conversation. She asks them what they are looking for in a woman, and wacky Lala (a stylist from Richmond, Calif.) is eager to share. She's all about keeping it "real," like really, really "real."

She thinks that she should be friends first with a girl and then whatever happens between her and that girl, well it's all good, because they could still go "shopping and dancing." This whole lesbians-go-shopping thing is some sort of a conspiracy. Or maybe "shopping" is a new euphemism for "foreplay."

Moving on, Tila approaches a couple of girls, Chaos and Grace, doing what we do best: processing. In fact, Chaos is just about to launch into her tale of woe about her string of bad relationships when Tila stops by. Common sense would dictate that maybe you don't talk about your string of bad relationships with your new potential love interest. But this is reality TV, and these are lesbians. Those rules simply don't apply!

Chaos keeps talking and talking and talking. Cut to a separate shot of just Tila, who is suddenly now a dude. Finally alone, she talks to the camera about "chicks" being "too emotional" and grumbles: "We don't always have to sit around here and talk about our feelings. You're just gonna drive me crazy!"

Hey, could you get her a beer while you're up? Thanks.

Tila gets out of the processing vortex as quickly and politely as possible and immediately heads for a couple of super cute girls. She's not going to get sucked into another therapy session, so she cuts right to it. "Do you guys usually like to please or be pleased?"

Alrighty, then!

"What's Her Face" (Tila's pet name for Ellie) immediately answers the question by talking about how dominant she is, but it seems that Tila is already captivated by Vanessa, who says, "See, I like to be dominated …" So apparently, there was a correct answer to this question.

Tila makes out with Vanessa while What's Her Face awkwardly looks on, then Tila gets up and heads out for her next conquest. Tila laughs and tells us proudly, "I'm such a douche bag."

Slipping into something less comfortable — Having sampled most of the wares, Tila tells the women that now it's time for them to change into the "sexy little outfits" that they've brought along that best describe "who they are in a relationship."

Most of the 16 contestants are the kind of women that your mother would call "lipstick lesbians" (and be very proud of herself for even knowing the term). One could also call them femmes. I have an pretty good idea of what their "sexy little outfits" will probably look like — standard slinky fare from Victoria's Secret.

But two of the contestants, Steffanie and Dani, definitely fall on the butch side of the spectrum. So what are they going to wear? And are they going to feel comfortable strutting their stuff in this environment that has an obvious femme-on-femme vibe? Hmm. What would I wear?

Wait, why am I even thinking about that?

What is essentially a fashion show kicks off with one of Tila's favorites, Vanessa. Vanessa struts out in an outrageously sexy "naughty Catholic schoolgirl" uniform (this is definitely one of the hell-bound charter schools), tapping a ruler in her hand. Tila squirms in her chair with delight, and Vanessa tells us that she's "a little bit naughtier than I look."

Game over. Vanessa wins.

But alas, this is Tila's show, not mine, so the show continues. Naughty nurses, naughty angels, naughty cats, naughty maids, naughty soldiers, naughty construction workers, and even naughty Girl Scouts make their way down the runway, all for Tila's pleasure.