"A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila" Recaps: Episode 1.1

Ladies' night — In a voiceover, Tila says (with an audible smirk), "Now that the guys are gone, I have my 16 beautiful lesbians coming over, and they have no idea that I'm bisexual."

She tells us this as she wiggles into her tiny little dress that looks like it's made of gold doubloons, then checks her look in the mirror by bending over and looking over her shoulder at herself as she shakes her ass. Is she planning to greet them from this angle?

Not unlike the clown car full of guys, when the limo full of lesbians arrives at Chez Tila, a gaggle of women tumble out amidst a cacophony of high-pitched squeals. And while their individual eye shadows may be all the colors of the rainbow, they share a common sentiment: Everyone is surprised that the famous pinup girl Tila is a lesbian.

I wonder if they will be even more surprised when they found out that she's not?

As they file into Tila's crib, the women have that first-night-at-the-Top-Model-house reaction to the setting. (And this just makes me miss the high quality — by comparison — programming that is America's Next Top Model. While Tila is sassy and seems to have a brain, she ain't no Tyra!)

Odd duck Scout (a personal assistant from Shawnee, Kan.) and smiley Krystal (a "model/student" from Kansas City, Mo.) wax poetic about the digs, while Ashli (a caterer from North Bergen, N.J.) excitedly talks about the social significance of Tila's little venture with MTV. "This is the first show about lesbians and love! Just to be a part of something as groundbreaking as this is an honor."

Cut to Tila sashaying down the stairs in her itsy bitsy doubloon dress, greeted by the catcalls of a room full of drunk lesbians.

Ah, progress!

As Tila surveys her new pack of conquests, Amanda (a real estate agent from Portland, Ore.) tells us: "You'd have to be blind, and a little retarded, not to find her hot. Like, she's unbelievably sexy."

Wow, a ringing endorsement. Tila needs to put that girl on her publicity staff!

Tila passes out the symbolic keys and then invites the randy pack of dykes out to drink some tequila. Brandi (a mortgage consultant from Costa Mesa, Calif.) proposes a thoughtful toast: "To lesbians!" Oh Brandi, those two little words fill me with dread. Very soon, I suspect you are not going to be very happy with Miss T.

School for scoundrels — Over drinks with Tila, a group of the girls discuss the finer points of lesbian identity.

Scout: A "gold-star lesbian" has never slept with a man.
Steffanie: A "silver-star lesbian" attempted to, and didn't have a damn good time. And knew that she was queer at that moment.

Just then, Amanda (the one who is neither "a little retarded" nor "blind") joins the crowd and plops down beside on Tila. She is a big hunk of a woman, and Tila isn't quite sure what to do with her. So she improvises and looks up her miniskirt. Then she squeals with delight over what she sees. OMG — they're wearing matching underwear!

This fact appears to be somewhat of an aphrodisiac for both of them … and also an indicator that they are "on the same page." I'm so confused. Are they going to throw down or go shopping?

One on one — As with the guys, Tila makes her rounds and sizes up each of the contestants. And as with the guys, there's a lone virgin just waiting to be plucked by Tila herself.

Ashli informs Tila of her chastity, but there is no arm-socking, no "you're lying!" as there was with the other virgin, Eddie. No, Tila gasps with delight and eyes Ashli like a big slab of cheesecake.

Cut to a private moment with Tila, who clasps her hands and looks to the heavens and tells the camera, "My prayers have been answered!" Cut to Ashli, whom she tells: "Nobody's taking your virginity ever. But me!" Ashli laughs nervously, probably thinking, "Mommy, help!"

Hmm, Tila wants to be a cherry-poppin' daddy with the girls but not the boys. Why is this?

As further evidence of her different seduction techniques, Tila climbs onto a futon with Rebecca (an entrepreneur from Phoenix, Ariz.), and immediately snuggles up in her arms and lets her caress her bare back.

Let's let Tila explain:

Tila: With females, at first touch, I get light-headed. I love the way they smell; they're so soft. It's like this sensuality that you don't experience with a man.

Is this going to give a female contestant an advantage over a male? Or is girl-petting just going to devolve into brushing each other's nice-smelling hair (and shopping!) while Tila saves the rough stuff for the guys?