"A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila" Recaps: Episode 1.1

Back to the "gifts":

• A set of drumsticks from Canadian musician Michael R., who looks like an emo Ken doll. He tells her that there are only two things he does that make him break a sweat: drumming and … you know.
• Embarassing clown moves from Lance, who juggles, jogs about and barks at her with his ass. Sigh. Don't ask.
• A tea bag from "radio personality" Ben of Allston, Mass. Why this, you ask? So that he can "start by tea bagging you a little bit." For those lesbians who don't know some of the more icky sexual jargon favored by jerky straight guys, go here. I'm sad to tell you that this show may teach some of you certain things you never, ever wanted to know. But remember: Knowledge is power!
• A plate of spaghetti and meatballs from the foppish Domenico. When Tila comments on the "big, chunky meatballs" on the plate, he tells her that he usually makes this dish with Italian sausage. But he will be her "hot sausage" for the night. And if that sweet talk isn't romantic enough for you, he shares a noodle with her doggy style (you know, like Lady and the Tramp!)
• A Kama Sutra kit from Greg, who hails from Rahway, N.J. Later, Greg will appear to make some serious progress with Tila when she lets him oil her up with the contents of the kit. But he's the antithesis of smooth when, mid-massage, he accidentally (?) pulls her top down and exposes her to the camera. Sure, we've all seen her stuff a million times over, but Tila wants to dole it out on her terms.

Fight club — During his gift presentation to Tila (walkie talkies), Marcus, a spokesmodel (WTF?) from New Orleans snitches on Domenico for talking about gay stuff. He tells Tila all of this as if she were the teacher of their remedial courtship class at Hetero High.

Is he trying to bump Domenico as an opponent? Is he trying to prove how manly he is in comparison to him? Is he scrambling to come up with something to talk about and this just flew into his head? I have no idea.

But it doesn't go unnoticed by Ashley and the other guys, who all stand around and watch each other take their turns with Tila, then cluck about it like big hairy hens. Ashley takes it all very personally and begins a whispering bellowing campaign against Marcus for talking trash about Domenico.

Ashley actually approaches Marcus after his sit-down with Tila and tells him that he has "pissed everybody off in this house." Ashley didn't get the memo explaining that conflicts are best resolved by using "I" statements.

The two of them immediately square off and storm about the backyard, screaming at each other, "Step aside!" and "I don't step aside!" Tila finally breaks up the fight and chides them for acting like … guys. She tells us that she's really looking forward to the arrival of her female suitors, because women would never act like that. (Insert joke about ex-girlfriends, pool cues and 50-cent beer night at your your local lesbo dive bar here.)

Time to get gone — After receiving her gifts and having quality time with each of the male contestants, Tila tackles the tough job of deciding who will go home.

I feel her pain. How in the hell will she pick just five? I can think of at least 12 who should go, but then I would probably penalize them for dorky haircuts and tea bagging jokes. Which is why I will never get my own reality dating show (and also why — among other reasons — I am a lesbian).

By the time the dust clears, tea bag-bearing Benny, "Prince Charming" Rob, emo Ken doll Michael, scary clown Lance and Kama Sutra kit guy Greg (aka the Kmart version of The Rock) are sent packing. Tila tells the remaining dudes that they are still in the running and that they will be having a pool party the next day. Then she does a shot with them.