The L Word recap: Land Ahoy (season 2, episode 10)
(Original airdate: 24 Apr 2005)

THIS WEEK'S L WORD VOCABULARY:

• Libido: If you follow it, someone will come. Maybe.
• Baggage screeners: More effective than a cold shower.
• Sleep: Even sexperts need it now and then.
• The verge: Where Jenny lives.

THIS WEEK'S GUEST-BIANS: Ossie Davis makes us all pause for a moment; Charles S. Dutton continues to bore; Shawn Colvin reminds everyone what real music is.

The previously — The poltergeist is making sloshing sounds as we see scenes from past episodes. Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

Cue the foghorn — Oops, I meant cue the cello. And hey, the cello is one of my favorite sounds on earth... and that is a nice sunset we're seeing, on a cruise ship off Key West. But, dammit, the cello is being played, or perhaps molested, by a member of Betty. Luckily, this is not the Betty who wields the poltergeist, so it could be a lot worse.

So, yeah, Amy Ziff is doing some pretty great things with/to her plugged-in cello, and a woman in the audience is grooving on it. Hard. She looks like a Welsh woman I dated. Sigh. She's enthralled, but the other women at her table interrupt her to ask her about orgasms; apparently she's written a book that explores several different kinds.

As the Betty cellist finishes up, the orgasm expert jumps to her feet:

Orgasm expert: "That was divine. Do you take requests?"
Amy the Betty: "Well, what's your desire?"
Orgasm expert: "Your pleasure."

Groan. Smooth line, I guess. Or maybe not: in response, we get yet another version of the theme song. Some of you have asked me why I keep talking about the theme song — maybe it's because I'm never allowed to forget that catchy little fucking tune! And when I say "catchy," I mean "contagious," like pediculosis.

50 ways to love your cello — So now we're in a more private setting, but the cello's still there, and the sexpert is asking whether the Betty is "ready for number four." I guess I'm grateful I didn't have to see the first three.

I also wish I didn't have to see the eavesdropping lesbians outside the door as the sexpert and the Betty make use of the sauna. I mean, I've always thought cruises were kinda boring too, but do you really have nothing better to do than eavesdrop on others' orgasms?

The sauna scene is funny, because both the sexpert and the Betty are doing their best to cover the Betty boobs.

After the sauna, they head topside (topside? I know nothing about nautical naughtiness) so that the Betty can have an "I'm the king of the world!" orgasm. Okay, wait. I don't play cello, but I'm not devoid of musical talent — where do I sign up for this particular cruise? Minus the Betty, of course.

The orgasmic Betty scream wakes up my cat.

The theme song — Here's a new thing I like to do: the moment it finishes up, say "Cha Cha Chaiken!" in time with the song and the Chaiken credit. It's fun.

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