The Planet — Alice and Shane are hanging out -- starting off the season in the usual way. And who can blame them, really? Alice is doing something with yarn:

Alice: "Damn it. Why did I get this assignment? I am so not a knitter."
Shane: "Well, it's crazy popular, and all the fags I know are doin' it. Even some of the straight boys, too.
Alice: "Right, see? Men should be knitting, and women should be running the world. That's how I see it. That's what I'm gonna write for L.A. Magazine. It's good."
Shane: "Yeah, go for it. They'll love it."

They might not, Alice. But don't worry: I will. Because I'm so not a knitter either. Sometimes I even forget how to tie my shoes.

Shane wants to know how Tina is. Alice says Bette still hasn't called. (That bitch.)

Shane: "There's something really wrong when God lets two people who are meant to be together come apart like that."
Alice: "You believe in God?"

Ah, I love the banter. The words look serious, but it's really quite a funny exchange. Shane thinks she's talking about love, and Alice just wonders about the God thing, and they both look confused, and then Alice turns her attention to the fact that the coffee tastes like "poopy shit." Oh, pardon me while I guffaw and spit out my mouthful of un-poopy martini.

Alice wonders where Marina is; Shane hasn't seen her for days. Then Alice tries to get Shane to talk about her broken heart, but Shane's not gonna play.

Shane: "Oh, quit being such a lez."
Alice: "Well what, you're just back from Cherie Jaffe land?"
Shane: "Nothing's changed. I'm still me."
Alice: "Oh, so you still live by the code. You don't do relationships."
Shane: "It's not a code. It's me."

Keep telling yourself that, Shane.

Just when I was starting to relax and enjoy myself, Toxic Tonya shows up. She should rethink those white pants she's wearing. She waves at Alice and Shane from across the room, but Alice mutters that she can't take Cruella DeVille this morning, and pretends she's upset about something because "no halfway sensitive person" would ever dream of interrupting a friend consoling an upset friend.

But of course Tonya does interrupt, and reveals that Marina (a) has had a breakdown, (b) slit her wrists in the penthouse suite of the Bel-Air, (c) is now with her mother in Milan, and (d) is a contessa. Hey, Tonya? (a) shut up, (b) shut up, (c) shut up, and (d) shut up.

Dana comes in, all sweaty from her morning run, and Alice looks like she'd rather drink the poopy-shit coffee than have to look Dana in the eye. But look each other in the eye they do, lingeringly, because they can't really help themselves. And then Tonya starts babbling again. Dana mentions that the bellboy saved Marina's life by coming in just as she was about to jump, which of course doesn't match Tonya's story, but Miss Toxicity 2005 is now talking about how "cute" it is that Dana sweats so much — cute enough to require mopping up, apparently.

Dana then asks about Tina, which prompts Tonya to make up a story about how Tina found out about Bette and Candace, but this time Alice corrects her.

Alice: "Well, actually, Tonya, she guessed, because she saw them touching hands, and then she knew everything."
Dana: "How could she tell just by seeing them touch hands?"
Shane: "Women can do that."
Alice: "Yeah, especially dykes."

Dana doesn't get why Bette can't just control her urges, if the thing with Candace is just a sex thing. She says this while looking at Alice and thinking about sex things.

They keep babbling (especially Tonya, who expresses horror that Bette is still "schtupping the carpenter") until Shane points out that Tina is right behind them. Yep, there she is, wearing her big trenchcoat for no apparent reason, hint hint.