The end is near — Welcome to the season finale, fitness and/or drama lovers. Seems like only a decade ago we met this year's SkyLab clients, new trainers and Jackie's showmance du jour, Briana "Save the Drama for Your Mama" Stockton.

Who could forget SkyLabber Deenie bawling like a baby during boot camp? Or Rebecca making new friends on an Olivia cruise? Or Brian Peeler getting s----canned? And Sarah Warn helpfully reminded me that s----canned is spelled with a hyphen. Phew, good times.

Homeland security — Last week, after a long day of taping bloopers for her hardcore fitness DVD, Jackie came home to find Briana's oddly unattended cell phone, which was just screaming to be snooped through. Who leaves the house without their cell? But the bigger question is: Why is Jackie invading Briana's privacy?

After avoiding the temptation for a whole 10 seconds, Jackie broke down and read Briana's text messages. Somewhere between smiley emoticons from her sisters and suggestions from Bravo producers to pick a fight, throw a glass or accidentally lose her pants, Jackie finds a message from Briana's ex that says, "I love you." Jackie's head promptly explodes.

Today, Jackie and Briana are in couples' therapy.

Jackie: I think that Briana and I have some trust issues with each other. And my biggest trust issue is that Briana was keeping the connection with her previous girlfriend and it was behind my back.

Jackie tells Dr. Shirley they have a couple of good days, and then a bad couple of hours. Oh, the horror. Clearly, this relationship is doomed.

Dr. Shirley wants deets, so Jackie volunteers that she's not down with Briana's ex, who's "never fully let her go." So, in other words, it's your typical Tuesday in Lesbianville.

Jackie: We still get texts in the middle of the night, or late at night [saying] "I love you."

"We"?

Briana: OK, no. I've always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my phone …
Jackie: Don't even start with that.
Briana: I'm not. I'm just saying how …
Jackie: Seriously. Don't even start with that.
Briana: M'kay, Jackie.
Jackie: 'Cause you look at my texts, like, 24/7.

Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text relationship.

But now that Briana's in box holds I-love-you's from her ex, it's not OK anymore.

Jackie: I asked her to have a time period away from this person.
Briana: And I did have a time period.
Jackie: No, she didn't. A time period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of "week."

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even when they come back, I still don't care. There is something seriously wrong with me.