"South of Nowhere" Recap: Episode 3.16 "On the Precipice"

It’s hard to believe that this is the season finale of South of Nowhere. It seems like just yesterday that we all watched innocent little Spencer Carlin move to the big bad city and meet her destiny in the form of the tattooed teenage vixen, Ashley Davies.

It’s been a not nearly wild enough ride, and now, at the end of the third and final season of SON, we find Spencer, Ashley and the rest of the gang moving on to that next phase of their lives. The part where the wide road opens up before them, but their car insurance premiums are still really high.

So let’s join them as they, and we, so our last goodbyes.

Full house — Madison and Ash are hanging out looking at some papers and Madison is, as usual, voicing objections. As she flips through each of the pages she snarls, “Too slow, too fast, too country, too gay…”

Are these songs Ashley has written or personal ad print-outs from Eharmony.com?

They two of them start to snipe at each other when Carmen enters the room and, inexplicably, tries to maintain the peace. Though the house is flooded with morning light, they tell us that it’s late and Carmen offers to “bunk with Kyla” and let Madison spend the night there so that she and Ashley can take a break and resume squabbling first thing in the morning.

Ashley, suspicious of the offer, asks Carmen if she’s trying to “turn” Kyla, and Carmen leers, “not tonight.” Ugh. Then she tells them that Kyla has “a guy” in her room. Horrors!

The three of them peek through the beaded curtains into Kyla’s room, only to find her and Aiden sitting across from one another on the floor, hands interlaced and “Miming” in perfect harmony.

Tantric sex never looked so mundane.

Around the world in 80 days — Glen and Chelsea return to Chelsea’s studio after spending some time looking at Modern Art, which Glen claims to “get.” Chelsea ignores him as she sorts her mail then comes across a letter that makes her shriek “Oh my God! They said ‘yes’?” She’s talking about the French art school she turned down back when she was knocked up with Clay’s baby. You know, the Worthington of Paris!

She tentatively tells Glen that she contacted the school after she won the memorial contest, and they re-opened her file. Glen is thrilled for her, exhibiting none of the bratty behavior that we’ve seen from Ashley regarding Spencer’s eminent trek to college.

Chelsea seems a little torn, and she tells him, “I wish I could have you and Paris.” It’s not unthinkable. I’ve seen stranger pairings.

Glen is surprised and offers to come with her.

Later, he talks it over with Paula and Arthur, proclaiming, “If she’s moving to Paris, then so am I!” They think it’s a bad idea. Arthur tells him that they’re looking for a new basketball coach at the recreation center, and Paula tells him that McDonald’s is looking for new cashiers now that the McRib™ is making its final Cher-like goodbye tour.

Okay, I made that last part up. But the ego-crushing recreation center coach comment was real. Ouch.

Glen details his extensive plans for making the move to France (he’ll eat rice and beans!) and his parents are impressed by his uncharacteristic display of responsibility. Or, as Paula says after he leaves the room, “He can’t do his own laundry but he can plan a transatlantic migration?”