"South of Nowhere" Recap: Episode 3.13 “Better Late Than Never”

Behind the wall of sleep — At Kyla and Ashley’s place, Kyla wakes up to some temporary peace (Ashley, the Hoochie Witch of the West, is pedaling her Porsche over there right about now) and finds Aiden asleep next to her bed. He knew she was distraught, so he spent the night by her side. Because he is God’s hand-sculpted Aiden, he has neither a crick in his neck or bed-head.

Kyla gets up and immediately begins packing, and Aiden can only stare mouth agape at her green booty shorts. As it turns out, the look of shock and disappointment is supposed to communicate his surprise that she’s still planning to leave. (I thought it was the “that’s all I get?” face.) She explains that she doesn’t really have any choices after humiliating herself and incurring Ashley’s wrath. Aiden tells her not to worry, that it simply “wouldn’t be Ashley if she didn’t totally wig out.” Charming. And yet Ashley is never single!

Aiden ask Kyla to give him a day to try to straighten things out between her and Ashley, and I think she speaks for all of us when she asks him, “Why do you care so much?”

He soulfully replies, “I just do,” and none of us are buying it. I’m trying to decide which sister he has reset his sights on. I’m going with Kyla as, statistically speaking, his odds are better with the straight sister than the bisexual one.

Out of the frying pan — Back at the Carlin’s, Paula has sublimated her rage about Spencer’s all-nighter with Ashley, and is in the kitchen watching Arthur cook pancakes as Spencer videotapes him. They’re making an audition tape for a new Food Network show, Iron Dork.

Arthur and Spencer are laughing and horsing around, but Paula isn’t amused. She asks Spencer if the camera will “ever” be turned off, and ads, “Maybe it’s better to live in reality than on reality TV. Food for thought.” She’s just saying that because she’s never seen Hole in the Wall or Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane.

Glen joins them in the kitchen, interrupting Arthur’s babblefest just before Paula makes her own audition tape for Snapped.

She asks Glen when he came home and where he was, and when he tells them he was at Chelsea’s until 4 a.m., Arthur tells him, “That’s nice.”

Spencer protests the double-standard for her and Glen when it comes to staying out all night with girls.

Her tone suggests that this is all about sexism, or perhaps even homophobia, but it’s neither. It’s not because they favor your brother, honey, it’s because they forget he exists!

Paula starts to grill Spencer about what exactly she was doing with Ashley all night in her bedroom and Spencer immediately runs off to school with her camera in tow, muttering something about “the memorial.” Effectively distracting her parents from her horny teenager activities by reminding them of their son’s impending memorial service.