"Exes & Ohs" Recaps: Episode 1.1 "There Must Be Rules"

The ceremony is about to begin. Jen finds a seat next to Sam. Becca is sitting there too. So much for "taking it slow." Sam looks at the P-town sweatshirt and congratulates Jennifer on her choice of outfits. She whispers, "I'm glad we never got married."

Which brings us to the Ex-girlfriend Rule. Jennifer looks in the camera and explains this rule states that exes never go away. They become your best friends so they can torture you for the rest of your natural life. Yup, you are stuck with them forever, long after the feel-good part is over. Like herpes.

Because weddings are boring as hell, Jen lapses into a daydream. She sees herself standing in front of the alter. She's still wearing her P-town sweatshirt, but she's also wearing a wedding veil. She looks around. "Um, shouldn't I be here with someone?" she asks the minister.

The minister reminds Jen she can't be with someone until she's moved on from someone. Oh yeah? Then how do you explain celebrity marriages?

The minister dispenses some good advice: Lose the sweatshirt, indulge yourself and get a tongue bath, and good God, woman, whatever you do, don't become a crazy cat lady.

Jen snaps out of her fantasy just in time to see Sienna and Dr. Emily, who are wearing predictably matching, cream-colored butch/femme Ann Taylor outfits, end their nups with a kiss. Jen needs a drink.

At the reception, the music's pounding, the champagne's flowing and Jen's over by the gift table trying to take back her presents. The newlyweds catch her in the act, so she hides the gift bag behind her back and makes nervous pleasantries. The unit that is ChKris stop by with their gift: a white cockatiel in a cage. Sienna is underwhelmed because she's too young to remember Baretta.

Chris: [handing the bird cage over] … To represent the love of your marriage.
Kris: It'll last longer than a fish.
Chris: Yeah, and who needs the pressure of a parrot, right? [laughs heartily]
Kris: You don't already have one, do you?

Dr. Emily is speechless. The ChKrisses take that as a "yes" and scurry away, muttering words of reproach to each other. I don't normally get sucked into the sap-happy shtick of some couples, but these two are kinda cute. I must be getting soft.

Sienna wants to know what's in the bag Jen's hiding behind her voluminous sweatshirt. She pries it from her hands, opens the bag and pulls out the Last Supper Saucepan. "Is this mine?" Sienna asks suspiciously.

Jen cracks back, "Yeah. You really need to get over me," and walks away as fast as she can.