"Cashmere Mafia" Recaps: Episode 1.6 "Yours, Mine and Hers"

Previously on — Last week was all about the haves and have-nots. Zoe hired a manny and Mia had a taste of what he was cooking. Dream husband Davis was having his cake and eating it too, but when he had his way with their joint bank account, Juliet wasn't having it and finally decided to divorce his ass. Alicia admitted she's having a baby. Caitlin admitted she had a man. Had enough?

The last to know — Mia is just arriving at her swanky office when she gets a string of phone calls from her fellow mafiosa. Zoe wants to know if she's OK. Juliet tells her she's there for her. Caitlin asks if she's taking a sick day.

Mia informs Caitlin that "Mia Mason does not do sick days." Mia could be in a coma and still be approving photo layouts — one squeeze of the hand for yes, two for no and three for get Annie Leibovitz on the phone.

Even her assistant brings her a muffin, so she can eat her pain away. Mia has no idea what's with the interventions. Obviously, she has not read this week's issue of Your Ex magazine, which hit newsstands that morning. Jack Cutter, former fiancé and sore loser, has just been named publisher of a competitor, putting them back on the same level battlefield.

That's yours, this is mine — Meanwhile, Juliet and Davis are lawyered up, sitting across from each other at a conference room table. Juliet's attorney proposes that they each keep the money they earned individually while married; that they share custody of their cranky daughter, Emily; and that Juliet and said progeny keep the awesome residence on Fifth Avenue. Sounds fair to me.

Davis' attorney, the shark Rafe Gropman, scoffs on behalf of his client. Apparently, Mr. Wonderful feels he sacrificed so much of himself while Juliet pursued her "craven" ambitions, he wants not only to keep his earnings, but also to receive manimony. And he wants the apartment.

"Do you know where I've been living? In a studio, east of Lexington," Davis says, as if he's been banished to the long-term parking lot at LaGuardia.

After Juliet picks her jaw up off the table, she suggests they get Jimmy Carter to build a shack for him.

Excellent idea. Habitat for Humanity requires future occupants to help build their new homes, and Davis could use something to wipe that look of entitlement off his well-moisturized mug. Although I can tell him from firsthand experience that it will definitely ruin his forty-dollar manicure.

Juliet is floored by the vitriol in the room, as if she's never seen one episode of Divorce Court.

Davis: Rafe has helped me see that you had just as much to do with this marriage failing as I did. I am not going to be the bad guy here.
Juliet: Oh, really; what are you being now, the ingénue? You stole money from our mutual account.
Rafe: If it was mutual, he didn't steal.
Juliet: You cheated on me!
Davis: And you cheated on me.
Juliet: Hardly.
Davis: And you rubbed it in my face. At least I had the decency to try to keep my affair a secret.
Juliet: Yes, the first word that springs to mind when I think of your affair with Cilla is "decency."

Rafe sits comfortably next to Davis and encourages everyone to keep sniping — the meter is running and their side expects Juliet to pay all the legal fees. Cha-ching!