"Cashmere Mafia" Recaps: Episode 1.5 "Stay With Me"

Previously on — Mia started dating an Asian brain surgeon, to the double happiness of Chinese mothers everywhere. Zoe continued to defend her corner office from invasion by Katherine and her marauding C cups, which was nowhere near as fun as it sounds. Juliet finally told Davis to take their marriage and shove it. Too bad her smoky, wavering, patrician delivery lacked the knee-to-ball impact I was so looking forward to. And lastly, Caitlin went to a lesbian wedding shower with Alicia and oops, accidentally gave her phone number to the first penis she ran into — literally.

Regarding the debate about Caitlin's line being "making out," "hanging out" or "waking up" with Alicia, it seems there was a critical deleted scene showing Caitlin and Alicia waking up in bed together. Thanks to WindRyder X and Broadway Baby for that. If we had seen that scene, there would have never been a question.

Apparently, that scene was cut for time. Thanks, ABC. We don't want to see Caitlin waking up in Alicia's bed. No. Give me more Clive anytime. More. Clive. Naked.

Pencil me in — Zoe and Eric are lazing around in their bed, sharing quality time and exchanging morning breath. Yes, that's the bedroom scene we needed. Thanks once again, ABC.

Their son calls out from the other room, "Mommy, Mommy!" because there's a caterer in the house. By all means, little boy, let the strangers in.

Eric, always the last to know anything his wife is up to, learns they're having a party later that night. Zoe went to a school auction a million years ago and ended up winning a chef. Tonight is the night of the $1,000 dinner. It's all for the kids.

Zoe, always the last to remember anything not having to do with work, is reminded by Eric that Thursday is her 10th wedding anniversary. They both consult their respective crackberries to find five minutes to celebrate. Maven of Money and Mergers that she is, Zoe's calendar is full through 2020. This is a woman who probably scheduled the birth of her children around her conference calls. What to do?

Kids today — Since she has no one to cuddle with since Davis started forwarding his mail to the nearest five-star hotel, Juliet's already hard at work, pouring her heart and soul into her career.

Speaking of the cheater, liar and future joint-checking-account-raider, Davis walks into her office, still smug and manipulative as all get out.

Juliet: How are you?
Davis: Well, I'm living in a hotel, and I am lonely and I'm homesick and I'm still trying to understand how this punishment fits the crime?

Let's review. He's had his Cheaters Club card punched so many times, he's qualified for one free latte; he used large chunks of her money to cover his business failings; and self-serving lies roll out of his mouth like gumballs. And for all that, he's been banished to the Ritz-Carlton. I, too, am trying to understand how this punishment fits the crimes.

Then, natch, Davis throws the old girl a bone because he knows most straight women are always just a wee bit starved for a compliment from a man.

Davis: You look great, by the way.
Juliet: Well, I don't feel great, if that's any consolation.

Juliet does look great, in fact, having recently lost 185 pounds of dead weight. Why she feels compelled to cheer the bastard up is a mystery. And so very, very Juliet.