"Bad Girls" Recaps: Episode 3.10 "Chapel of Love"

Putting a stop to this — A dolled-up Di shows up at Josh's place. He finally calls her out, telling her he's not even a little bit interested in her. He tells her he already has a girlfriend, and actually answers when she asks who it is.

Josh: Crystal Gordon. In fact, we're planning on getting married.

Di starts to go on about how unwise it is to get involved with a prisoner, and how untrustworthy drug addicts are. So then Josh drops the bomb about the drug test, and ends up throwing her out. I'm never in favor of men hitting women, but I almost want him to smack her — I'm so sick of her crazy ways.

Getting sympathy while he can — Fenner whines to Karen about Helen. He's sure she's going to set him up or find some way to fire him. Karen says he can't be sacked for no reason (wow, things are different in the U.K.; in the U.S., that's just called "restructuring"). She also doesn't think Helen plays dirty like that.

Karen: Helen Stewart is straight as a die.

Well, that's not an expression we Yankees use very much, but even if it were, I'd still be confused because that "straight" part makes no sense.

My ears, my ears — Helen is having lunch at her desk. But she's not alone: The new doctor, Thomas Waugh, is having his lunch in her office too. And he's talking with his mouth full and chewing like a cow. I actually have to turn the volume down because of all the smacking and chomping.

Helen is also talking with her mouth full, but she manages to do so without sounding like a caveman gnawing on a slab of mastodon rump. And she can tell the difference too, because she's watching him chew rather than listening to him talk:

Helen: Do you mind me asking, what is that you're eating?
Thomas: Peanut butter and raspberry jam. [seeing Helen's look of distaste] Oh, no, come on — you can't have tried it, or you wouldn't pull that face.
Helen: I have, actually. When I was a kid.
Thomas: Ah, well, you see, I'm stickin' with the kids. Gimme crisps, chocolate and ice cream anytime.

Helen gives him a smile, but I like to think it's tolerant rather than affectionate. I know, I'm just in denial.

There's a knock at the door. It's Claire, Helen's friend and Nikki's solicitor. Claire glances at Thomas as if she's thinking, "Why are you eating lunch with this sandwich-inhaling git who thinks his puppy-dog eyes are irresistibly charming?"

Claire: I've got some news for Nikki Wade.

Helen seems startled. Is she thinking, "Don't mention Nikki in front of this guy I'm kind of flirting with?" Or is her heart skipping a beat? I just can't tell.

And it just gets sicker — You'll forgive me if I don't recap this part in great detail. Her heart broken, Di goes home to her wheelchair-bound mother and beats her. It's just too much for me. Picture a mashup of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and a PSA for elder abuse, and you'll get the idea.

Facing the music — The next day, Helen summons Di to her office, wanting an explanation for the switched drug test samples. Helen is very calm and collected. She seems to be having no trouble easing into her new position of power, probably because of those professorial elbow patches on her shirt. She gives Di an official warning and tells her to be more careful.

Di apologizes and blames everything on her mother. Pathetic. I mean, sure, I do that too sometimes, but only in therapy, and not with my fists.

From one tangled web to another — Josh begs Crystal to give him another chance. She isn't inclined to do so, but he tells her they were both set up by Di. Yvonne and the two Julies see Crystal and Josh talking. As soon as he leaves, they surround her and ask for details. Such gossips! Crystal says she and Josh are planning to marry, and of course the two Julies decide she might as well do it right there in Larkhall. (Aw, remember Zandra?) Oh, you kooky Julies.

Julie S.: You could get married in secret.
Julie J.: The chaplain, he's a decent sort of bloke. We could ask him to keep it under his hat.
Yvonne: You're joking! He's just another screw with his collar on back to front.

Oh, Yvonne. I don't know what I like better: your dry wit or your ridiculous fashion sense.

So they decide Barbara can officiate instead. Crystal likes the idea and even gets Josh to go along with it. They're sort of cute, but how is it that heterosexual privilege exists even in prison? They find a way to get married when Helen and Nikki can't even find a way to steal a kiss now and then?