"Bad Girls" Recaps: Episode 3.10 "Chapel of Love"

The lifers meeting — I wonder what really goes on in these meetings? We only ever get to see the beginning or the wrap-up. Right now, Helen's dismissing everyone — well, all but one.

Helen: Nikki...
Nikki: Yes, Miss?
Helen: [playfully preening] That's "Yes, ma'am," actually, if you don't mind.
Nikki: Huh?
Helen: They've only gone and made me acting No. 1, haven't they?
Nikki: What? You're kidding.
Helen: Well, someone in Area must like my politics. [as Nikki just stares] You not pleased?
Nikki: I don't know.
Helen: Look, I've said I'm still gonna run the lifers unit.
Nikki: Right.
Helen: Oh, Nikki. Don't you see what it means?
Nikki: Yeah. Sure. Means you're top of the s---heap. Fantastic. I'll even get to see you for group chat, when you can fit it in.

Aw, who's a gloomy gills? Nikki does have her bad days. But her sarcasm is always in top form.

Helen: God, I can always rely on you for a hard time, can't I? Look, if anything, it means that I've got more chance of gettin' you out of here. And it sure as hell means count your days, Jim Fenner.

Nikki offers one of those fake smiles people give colleagues and relatives when they want to feign support or happiness. What has happened? We never get to see them, and then when they do show up, they're pouty? Sigh.

Forcing her way in — Di stops Josh in the hall, asking whether they're still "on for tonight. " He's confused, because like any sensible person, he tends to ignore most of Di's blather. She reminds him that she's planning to stop by after she goes "line dancing" in his neighborhood. And maybe she'll bring a bottle of wine. I'm guessing maybe some handcuffs and torture implements, too. You know, just for a relaxing evening in.

Josh is more interested in Crystal, who's passing by. He wants her to just admit that she did drugs, but of course she didn't. She tries to walk away but ends up passing out. The two Julies — where the bleedin' hell (as they would say) have they been lately? — rush to her aid.

And Charlotte rushes to Crystal's aid too — by telling Karen she suspects the drug tests were tampered with. She insists on getting the independent test she's entitled to, and Karen reluctantly agrees. While they're discussing all this, Josh is in Crystal's cell, still not trusting her. Jeez, Josh. What does the girl have to do? She's fading away like a consumptive Victorian novelist and you still can't see all the Di-abolical forces around you.

Beholding her realm — Helen is up on the third floor, looking down like a benevolent queen. And like a malevolent serf, Fenner sidles up to her, smirking.

Fenner: Surveying your new empire, eh? Congratulations, by the way. Look, about that little incident ... you know, I was under a lot of strain. After the stabbing. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize again. [as Helen continues to ignore him and look away] I see. It's the cold shoulder, is it? I s'pose the next thing is I'm gonna be given all the dirty little jobs around here. Yeah, well, there is such a thing as harassment in the workplace.
Helen: [finally facing him, and staring him down] Oh, I know.

There is no way for me to capture how that sounds in her accent. Her o's are nearly as sexy as her r's.

She walks away without another word. I clap gleefully and rewind, lunging at the keyboard like I'm on Lost and have to input the number to save the world.

Giving a damn — Karen gets the results from the independent clinic. They confirm that the urine samples were switched when Charlotte and Crystal were tested for drugs (well, what they really confirm is that Crystal's blood type doesn't match the sample, but this story line doesn't deserve precise description). Karen goes right to the four-bed dorm and apologizes to Crystal Bronte, who is shocked — as are the two Julies and Yvonne, who have been hanging around and cursing all screws. I'm glad Karen is still sometimes the sensible one, despite her taste in evil men.

Speaking of evil — Di is putting on makeup, trying to keep herself nice for Josh. She tells Gina about their "plans" for the evening. Is there a kind of makeup that will suck the diseased gray matter out through your skin? Because an insanity-ectomy would take 10 years off your face.

Gina goes right out into the common area and teases Josh about his "date" with Di, telling him to keep his panic button handy. Panic button? I'd say maybe pepper spray is the thing. Oh, but you can't have that in the U.K., I don't think — well, once when I crossed the border into Canada, I had some pepper spray in my car and they made me "surrender it to the Queen." So I guess maybe the Queen is allowed to have it, at least.

Josh just brushes off the Di stuff again and goes to congratulate Crystal (who's being almost force-fed by the Julies) on the good news — and to apologize for not believing her.

Yvonne urges Josh to get to the bottom of the whole thing. Well, with Yvonne, "urges" is more like "threatens." Probably because she's in leather again. Helen, Nikki and Yvonne in leather — all in the same episode! Is it my birthday?

Josh says it's nearly time for lockup and everyone skedaddles. He asks Crystal whether anyone knows about their relationship, and she says, "Only Di Barker." Josh knows that's bad news. Good, but you're a little slow on the uptake, Josh.