America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Episode 3 "The Girl Who Goes to Texas"
by D. Yueh

Tyra’s Fun House — Being a model is stressful, no doubt about it. I know I couldn’t do it, even if I did look like a taller, air-brushed, more perfect version of a better-looking me. Not that these gals are gorgeous, but you have to admire their drive. The pressure can be enormous when you have to sit still while others do your hair and makeup, walk back and forth in heels, and regularly scan your face for zits. The price of clear skin is eternal vigilance.

A few of the girls are blowing off a little steam by sliding down mattresses they’ve laid down on the stairs. It’s all of 12 feet or so, but there’s lots of squealing as they slide face-first into a pile of pillows at the bottom of their Posturepedic ramp.

Meanwhile, the rest of the fillies are reminiscing about Megan, who was let go last week. A.J. says sadly: “I miss Meg. But I feel like there were way more deserving people who should have gone home, ya know?” Right on cue, they cut to a shot of Monique, the resident bitch princess. Melrose agrees and gives A.J. a little buddy-hug to cheer her up.

Monique’s only ally in the house at the moment is Eugena, who seems to be suffering from some mean-girl variant of Stockholm Syndrome. Monique stole her bed right out from under her their first night at the house, but Eugena can’t seem to get enough of Monique’s delightfully puerile hostility, as long as it’s directed at someone else.

Mail Call — “Watch your step, because your butt — is — on — the — line,” Monique reads haltingly, as if she barely made it out of the fourth grade. It may appear to you, dear reader, that nothing about Monique is good enough to me because I seem to be so disgusted by her. You would be right.

“When we get Tyra mail, I’m just thinking, ‘What it’s going to apply to?’” says Melrose, “because nothing that we’re doing here is pointless.” Wait. What? There’s a point to all of this?

Circus Under the Stars — Runway trainer J. Alexander is waiting for the girls when they pull up and pile out of Moby Escalade. Next to him, about five feet off the ground, a high wire has been set up. It’s out on the grass in what looks like someone’s back yard. You can see the neighbors’ house over the fence. No expense was spared on this location. Tonight, J.’s wearing a tutu, leotards and size 18 ballet slippers.

“See that, ladies?” J. says, as he walks the wire. “Posture, balance. Balance, posture.” The high wire has overhead straps for his wrists, so he’s in no real danger of falling. It looks a little S/M-like, not that I know anything about that. Miss J. makes it to the other end with poise and the girls give him a round of applause as he curtsys daintily.

Now it’s their turn. “I can’t even walk a straight line when I’m dead sober,” CariDee says, “so how am I going to walk a little tiny rope?” See, people? Walking is hard. Anyway, they all take a turn on the high wire. A close-up on A.J.’s feet shows a label on the bottom of her slipper with her name on it. Monique’s shoes probably say “right” and “left.”

Twin Amanda reveals a dirty little family secret — she and sister Michelle have problems with their feet, especially Michelle, who Amanda reveals is “really flat-feeted.” You’d think their gigantic ears would catch an updraft and help them keep their balance, but it’s a windless night and they don’t do very well. Melrose and Monique both not-so-secretly hope the other one falls on her head.

Everyone takes their turn and they all go home. Are you sure nothing on this show is pointless, Melissa Rose?