America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Season Finale “The Girl Who Becomes
America 's Next Top Model" (page 4)
by D. Yueh

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Brides From Hell — The show begins with creepy child laughter. Two flower girls start down the path, sprinkling petals as they go. Suddenly, they bolt — and Dani struts out in a couture white wedding dress and pale, undead makeup. Melrose follows behind her, then CariDee. When they get to the end of the runway, they have to turn and go back, passing oncoming traffic as they do. I’m so waiting for CariDee to clothesline Melrose as she passes her.

They change into a new dress every time they return to the starting line. Jay yells over the blaring music, “Are you tired? It’s a long walk.” It can’t be more than 30 yards. One of the things I’ve learned watching this show is that modeling is only hard for people who don’t have to work for a living.

Now the attitude is getting amped up. As they pass each other, they’re supposed to stare each other down. No problem. Melrose is wearing a kinda cool, lace overcoaty thing with a train over her gown. She has good designer instincts and holds it out as she walks, showing it off.

As they pass, she and CariDee stop and sneer in each others’ faces. They turn to keep walking and riiipppp! CariDee was standing on the train, and Melrose tears a big hole in it when she walks off. Uh oh. The perfectionist in her is wigging out. She lets her inner bitch out by flinging her lacy, hole-y skirt around in a dramatic gesture reminiscent of an evil Disney queen.

Tyra loves the drama. “Wooo! That was hot,” she says to Nigel, who just sits there.

Suddenly Miss J. says, “I’ll be right back,” and disappears. It’s unscripted for sure, because Tyra looks sincerely confused.

Meanwhile, back at home base, Melrose is having a minor meltdown. “She f------ ripped the dress,” she cries to Jay, who tells her to ignore it. Melrose can’t let it go, even after CariDee apologizes. “Sorry doesn’t change it,” she says. “I just want to numchuck her.” Hi-yah ha ha! I would pay to see that.

But the show must go on. There’s a scream, the lights go out, and out comes Miss J. wearing a black gown, which he has hiked up way higher than I need him to, thank you very much. He shows these bitches how it’s done. I knew he couldn’t hold out. He’s been itching to upstage these amateurs all along. You go, girl!

CariDee and Melrose follow in his high-heeled footsteps with their own insanity. Melrose runs and spins frantically. Is she being chased by bees? It’s just what Tyra wanted, and she says to no one in particular, “She’s doing good!” and gives Melrose a thumbs-up.

CariDee knows a thing or two about over-the-top theatrics. Unfortunately, she decides the look she’s going for is “psychotic break” and screams manically at the judges. CariDee done lost her mind. Nigel backs away, alarmed. Tyra is cracking up.

CariDee and Melrose end with a voguing stare-down, and the lights go out.

“My performance rocked,” Melrose concludes. She’s getting the full diva treatment — people are standing over her, fanning her.

CariDee just wanted to “prove it to everyone who ever had doubted me.”

The Last Panel — The girls walk into panel, and I gotta say, they look pretty hot. Either I’ve been watching this show too long or they’ve actually transformed into real models a little bit. Tyra says, “Now it’s time to decide who will be America’s Next Top Model.”

CariDee’s stomach is in her shoes. Melrose is smiling so hard, her face is about to crack.

The panel reviews the ghostly bride show. Twiggy, that old has-been, thinks Melrose looked confident and showed off the dresses well. In fact, the whole panel gives her unanimously high marks. CariDee, not so much. Nigel says, “You lose yourself. You walk in [sic] just the judging — if you could walk like that on the runway, you’d have a better walk.”

We take a stroll down memory lane, and the panel rates all the photo shoots from the show.

CariDee: Dumb Model
Melrose: Model Who Won’t Get Out of Bed For Under $10,000 a Day
Winner: CariDee

CariDee: Brangelina
Melrose: Donald and Melania Trump
Winner: Tie

CariDee: Fabio’s peasant girl
Melrose: Fabio’s saloon hooker
Winner: Tie

CariDee: Tyra’s black-and-white amateur shoot
Melrose: Tyra’s black-and-white amateur shoot
Winner: CariDee

CariDee: Bull Ring
Melrose: Bull Ring
Winner: CariDee

CariDee: CoverGirl from this week
Melrose: CoverGirl from this week
Winner: CariDee

CariDee: Ghost Bride Fashion Show
Melrose: Ghost Bride Fashion Show
Winner: Melrose

Looking at the list above, it’s a no-brainer: CariDee comes out on top. But Melrose won most of the challenges. She was a consistent performer and has fashion knowledge none of the other girls ever had. Always the detractor, Nigel says, “Melrose, to me, doesn’t have the ‘wow’ factor.”

Twiggy says yet again that CariDee is a loose cannon. Miss J. agrees and says, “CariDee was a bit busted; she was a bit broke down.”

But Jay says, “Let’s think of this business, guys. The fashion industry loves extremes.” Jay knows there are plenty of extreme designers who would love a nut job like CariDee. As do I.

Tyra sums it up. They have one girl who’s knowledgeable and strong, but maybe not likable. The other takes great pictures, but is definitely unstable and unpredictable. Jay says, “I think everyone at this table is unpredictable, and we’re sitting here.”

Tyra says indignantly, “I’m not unpredictable, child. You know that I’m gonna have a hair weave, a bunch of makeup on and a dress that’s cinched on my waist.” And deep, deep cleavage that’s just crying out to be spelunked.

America’s Next Top Model — The girls return and say their piece before they get the news.

“I love this industry; I love modeling; I love it so much,” cries CariDee. Simple and honest.

“I feel like I’m having an outer body experience. I’m just happy to be here,” says Melrose, without any tears or any clue the expression is actually “out-of-body experience.”

CariDee looks like she’s going to puke. Melrose’s lips are frozen in a tight, tense smile. Tyra says in a soft voice, “And America’s Next Top Model is …”

They all turn to look at the monitor. It’s CariDee.

“Oh my God,” she cries and falls to her knees. “Where’s my alarm clock? I need to wake up!” Melrose looks down at the floor, still smiling, and starts pulling her hair.

Melrose tells us later: “I’m pissed. I put my heart and soul into this, and it wasn’t enough. And I got called a bitch the whole way through it, and it sucks, and I feel really misunderstood, and I’m sad.” Anything else? Oh yeah, it’s also “bum city right now.”

“I won. I won. I did it,” says an ecstatic CariDee, the girl who once had skin like a lizard and thoughts of suicide, but never gave up on her lifelong dream of becoming a model. It’s a Cinderella story of sorts.

Good for you, honey. Hey, you a-holes from junior high who made fun of her (and you know who you are) — kiss CariDee’s ass. Gah, I love that kind of thing. Good luck, Fargo. Have fun with it and stay on your meds.

And that’s it for me, kids. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the fan mail. Cheers.

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