America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Season Finale “The Girl Who Becomes America 's Next Top Model"
by D. Yueh

Let’s Review, Shall We? — Well kids, it’s been a long three months since we were first introduced to the top 13 aspiring models from this season. Remember Christian? Yeah, me neither. But who can forget rock star Megg or metal head A.J.? When we last heard from them, they had teamed up and started a KISS tribute band. Anchal went home to her family, where she’s currently working as a hostess at IHOP and modeling for Lane Bryant. Jaeda was last seen sporting a custom weave and new breast implants.

Brooke missed her graduation, but got a trip to Disney World as a graduation gift from her mom and dad. Twins Amanda and Michelle returned to Anaheim where they now attend community college. Amanda is dating a nice boy from her business administration class, and Michelle plays basketball whenever she’s not modeling for the local Mervyn’s.

Michelle and Megan (the one real lesbian on the show) added each other to their MySpace friends lists. Megan still lives in San Francisco, where she’s starring in a regional production of Peter Pan. And last but not least, Monique received a six-month sentence for assaulting a Victoria’s Secret sales clerk who accused her of trying on swimsuits without underwear.

That leaves us with the lucky final three: CariDee, Eugena and Melrose. In a touching retrospective, we see Eugena’s first interview, in which she tells Jay that she thinks last season was “boring.” Apparently, Eugena decided to pick up that torch and carry it with her all the way to Barcelona because she may be pretty, but she’s as dull as tap water.

And what about perennial challenge winner and universally hated Melrose? Being nice isn’t one of the qualities needed to be a supermodel (paging Naomi Campbell), but does she have what it takes to kick ass and take names?

CariDee wants it so badly, she’s practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown. A natural beauty with amazing skin (now that she’s overcome the heartbreak of psoriasis), will CariDee’s heart be broken by a woman in the end? A woman named Tyra, that is.

The Last Photo Shoot — The three girls are standing outside waiting for Jay. He comes out and … what’s going on with the nipples? Cold today? Nipsy says, “Today, you girls are going to be doing a TV commercial and print ad for CoverGirl Outlast Double Lipshine!” Woo hoo! Uh, what is that?

CariDee tells us, “It’s every girl’s dream to do a CoverGirl commercial.” Not every girl, sweet pea. I’ve never even heard of Outhouse Bubble Lip Smack. I’m a Burt’s Bees kinda gal myself.

Nipsy says the winner of Top Model will have their photos from this shoot used in a national magazine. To kick it off, last year’s winner, Danielle Evans, or as her agents have renamed her, “Dani,” walks out to greet the girls and impart some sage advice: “Always remember that you’re a role model now. So make good decisions, good choices and have fun with everything that you do.” Eugena looks bored out of her mind. I guess she wasn’t kidding about how she felt about the girls from last season.

The girls study their lines, but CariDee doesn’t want to overthink it. Melrose, because she’s a hyperperfectionist, can’t practice enough. Plus, she learned her lesson last week when she didn’t practice her flamenco and choked. Melrose rehearses her lines while sitting in makeup, much to the annoyance of CariDee, who’s sitting next to her getting her hair fondled. She complains to Melrose to shut her yap. “Stop listening to me then, ho,” says Melrose. She really has polished her people skills, that Melrose.

Eugena bitches, “She’s just worried about herself and how she’s going to do in this competition.” I seriously don’t see the problem. Melrose is there to win Top Model, not Miss Congeniality.

Dani comes in to cheer the girls on and spread the Top Model love, but Eugena says to her flatly, “It gets to a point where it’s like OK, another photo shoot.” She’s not even a professional model yet, and Eugena is already so blasé she can barely stay awake.

Eugena, have you been paying attention at all? A.J. got tired of the whole process — gone. Jaeda didn’t try hard enough — gone. Anchal was too unsure — gone. Michelle never wanted to be there — gone. Wake up and smell the Melrose.

Jay gives CariDee one last bit of coaching about what a CoverGirl girl is before he shoves her in front of the camera. She begins, “New! CoverGirl … New, CoverGirl Outlast Shine … New …” So much for not overthinking it.

Finally, she says, “I’ve just got to stop thinking. I’m a blonde; it’s not working out.” CariDee makes me laugh, and sometimes I’m actually laughing with her.

She calms down and delivers a good take, despite her weird North Dakota accent when she says “out.”

Eugena is up next. Jay tells her to not be a used car salesman. Puh-leese. Eugena can’t muster the energy of a used car salesman, so no worries there. She flubs the first take. Jay reminds her to talk like she’s talking to her girlfriends and not sound flat and boring and so much like herself. That probably is how she talks to her girlfriends. She musters all the energy she can and gives it another go. It’s better, but she’s spent. Eugena can only emote once a week. Anything more is too taxing.

Melrose is sizing up her competition, as always. “Eugena doesn’t get nervous,” she observes nervously. Eugena doesn’t get nervous because Eugena is numb from the ears down.

Melrose blows a few takes of her own. “Shiny,” “shining” — what’s the diff? After several nervous readings and no good ones in the can, Jay tells her they only have time for one more take. But no pressure or anything. Is Melrose looking more and more like a bird, or am I just tired?

Melrose pulls a good one out of thin air, but it’s too late. She’s already two hankies into a crying jag. Her hair stylist tries to cheer her up, but what does he know? He’s just a guy with a straightening iron. “It feels like if I make one mistake, I’m out of here,” she concludes. If that were all it took, this show would’ve been over 11 weeks ago.

Melrose has to shake it off for the next phase: a photo shoot for the print ad. The whole look of a CoverGirl girl, Jay explains, is natural beauty. Melrose’s brain has gone into overdrive and she can’t even keep her lips from quivering at this point. I wish she’d break out in hives too, cuz that would be the icing on the cake. A spontaneous nose bleed would be OK, too.

But no, she holds it together, even though she’s puckered up to Sphincter Level 10.

CariDee has that wholesome look they want, so she has no problem with her pictures. She gives the camera her “blissful” face, which is her normal girl-next-door-if-your-neighbor-was-really-hot face, with pouty lips.

Eugena has to put some spark in her vacant, doll eyes. “I don’t want Tyra Banks telling me I have dead eyes anymore,” she says, for the fifth time this cycle. It’s like a recording that comes out of her mouth whenever someone pulls the string on her back.

The final shot is a threesome. And not the good kind. The girls have to say their lines and fall back together onto a bench, giggling like they love each other. Eugena could just barf. “We start laughing and joking like we’re best friends. And it’s so fun, cuz we’re not!” She finally smiles, and it’s almost lifelike.

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