9021-LESBO

 
 

If you were alive in the 1990s, then you are aware of the ever-popular show Beverly Hills, 90210, about trendy high schoolers from the chic Beverly Hills zip code who never seemed to graduate. OK, they did graduate, but it took a really long time.  

The CW network owns the rights to create a new version of the 90210 series, but the project still hasn’t been greenlit.  I’m not sure why they’re delaying this brilliant piece of magic.

As an avid fan of the original show, I sat in my bedroom at night and pictured myself as the cool, rebellious Luke Perry, aka Dylan McKay (what a fabulous and truly believable character name), but now in retrospect I was really Nat from the Peach Pit. Beverly Hills, 90210 changed me, as it changed so many other teens wearing hypercolor shirts and MC Hammer pants.

Although there is no replacing the lovely and extremely talented Tori Spelling, I have decided I want to do my own casting for the lesbian version of 90210, and it would go something like this:

Brandon Walsh, played by Ellen Degeneres

This is an obvious choice but had to be made. Ellen is the perfect twin protagonist to lead this pack of cliquey lesbians.

Brenda Walsh played by Jill Bennett

The other twin protagonist/scene-stealer with a dark streak can only be played by our very own AE hottie Jill Bennett.

Dylan McKay played by Kate Moennig

Duh! Of course the hunk of burning love has to be played by the mac daddy player herself, Shane from The L Word. Moennig should have been cast instead of Luke Perry in the first place!

Kelly Taylor played by Portia de Rossi

Once again, sorry to be so dang obvious. The lovely and coolest girl at Beverly Hills High School can only be played by the other Mrs. Degeneres.

David Silver played by DJ Samantha Ronson

Samantha is too cool to play David Silver since she really has DJ skills, but then again she is "friends" with Lindsay Lohan.

Donna Martin played by Tammy Lynn Etheridge

Tori Spelling, we hate to let you go, but it’s time to move on. We all know you didn’t get cast because you are the daughter of producer Aaron Spelling; you were cast on your talent alone. If you think I’m being sarcastic, then you haven’t Tori’s brilliance in the film Trick. So to replace brilliance we need more brilliance — that’s why I’ve cast the charming Mrs. Etheridge in the role to steal our hearts and remind us what school spirit is all about. Chant with me now: "Donna Martin Graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!"

Steve Sanders played by Top Chef competitor Josie Smith-Malave

In my opinion (which is all that’s important since I’m the one writing this blog post), Ian Ziering was never hot enough to date golden princess Kelly Taylor, so I’ve asked Josie to step in and use her culinary skills to spice up the role of Steve.

Andrea Zuckerman played by Scooby-Doo‘s Velma

Last and definitely least is elderly, librarianesque Andrea Zuckerman. (Why did the cool kids hang out with her again?) Both Andrea and Velma are brainiacs, and it only make sense to cast a cartoon in the role of Andrea since less makeup will be needed on a cartoon. I’m not an ageist, I’m just calling it like it is. Andrea was pushing 40 and in high school, people! Her desire for teen-hunk Brandon Walsh didn’t make her a cougar, it made her a pedophile!

Now if only this version of 90210 would get made …

 
 

Tags: ,