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25 TV Characters You Should Not Date

TV is full of characters we adore. Women we find so irresistible we wish they were real so we could ask them out, fall in love and live happily ever after together. But some of our swooning is perhaps ill advised if you really look what you’re getting into. In fact, many of TV’s loveliest ladies are terrible girlfriend material. These are not women we recommend settling down with, for a variety of reasons. So as a public service, my friend Heather Hogan and I have compiled a list of 25 TV characters you should not date. Watch your hearts, these women will only break them – or worse.

Why Not: Because when she’s not nagging you to death or spilling the details of your latest sexcapade in Vogue, she’ll be spending all your money on shoes. (Impractical shoes, at that!)

Why Not: Because loving a cult leader is all sex games and giggles until she throws a television into your bubble bath.

Why Not: Because she’s a good guy. No, wait – she’s a bad guy. No, a good guy. No, a bad guy. A good guy? She may look like Lucy Diamond, but Jill is legitimately evil.

Why Not: Because she is a giant. Because she is not Naomi. Because she eats babies.

Why Not: Because it will start with creeping through your bedroom window in the dead of night and turn into drugging your ex-girlfriend and framing her for terrorism.

Why Not: Because you’ll always be a non-famous to her. And because she’ll never know how to use the Internet.

Why Not: Because her idea of a fun afternoon is seeing how many times she can make you cry.

Why Not: Because first it’s weed, and then it’s extortion, and then it’s murder. The brownies would be good. The homicide would not.

Why Not: Because an international woman of mystery is sexy as hell, until she’s destroying your car with her infamous baseball bat.

Why Not: Because her pet name for you would be, “Mentally-ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.”

Why Not: Because Lying, Cheating & Stealing is what she does for breakfast. And you’d probably have to iron your pajamas to be allowed into bed with her.

Why Not: Because they’re in love with each other. Obviously.

Why Not: Because no matter how many times she promises to reform from her life of crime, no matter how badly she wants to do it, being an archnemesis is in her blood.

Why Not: Because she is an evil alien lizard queen. Also, I don’t think she’s vegan.

Why Not: Because she is crazy. And into creepy dolls. Oh, and a vampire. So no daytime dates then.

Why Not: Because she is a stalker. Because the person she is stalking is Charlie Sheen. Not winning.

Why Not: Because it’s hard enough dating one person, let alone six people.

Why Not: Because it’s no fun waking up each morning to “Did I fall asleep? Who are you?” Though, on the plus side, role-playing would be awesome.

Why Not: Because she is a terrible date, probably a more terrible date than you, so. So she is the most terrible date on the planet, so. She is the most terrible date in the universe, so that means she’s probably better than you at being terrible. So.

Why Not: Because she is a total rhymes with “itch.” Also, she is dead. I usually find that a major impediment to dating.

Why Not: Because she is drug addict. But I do recommend becoming her friend so you can meet her sexy best friend, Dr. O’Hara.

Why Not: Because she’s always getting kidnapped, hypnotized or brainwashed. Of course it’s not really her fault, poor dear, but better safe than sorry because that girl is a trouble magnet.

Why Not: Because the hipster lesbothario thing is all fun and games until she dumps you faster than you can say “skinny jeans” for the girl from her past who got away.

Why Not: Because this isn’t who you want to sleep with, but settle down with. Say what you will about sexy, sexy Shane, but she no one is going to give her a “World’s Greatest Girlfriend” mug anytime soon. One girlfriend winds up left at the altar. Another winds up falsely blamed for burning down her business. And another winds up dead in the pool. That’s a bad track record, people.

Why Not: Because she is Jenny freaking Schecter. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just run.

We boss because we care. What TV characters are on your Should Not Date list?

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