8) Alice Pieszecki, The L Word
All of the first date jitters that accompany an entire evening of conversation with a complete stranger will be swept away only a few moments into your Valentine’s Day date with Alice Pieszecki. That is how long it will take you to realize that she could fill up three year’s worth of entire evenings of conversation with the dirt she has on everyone within a 50-mile radius of the restaurant in which you are dining, and she’s not afraid to lay anyone’s business bare. By dessert, it will be as if you’ve read the entire archive of Perez Hilton, but laughed so much louder, because Alice Pieszecki can weave a yarn worth hearing.
Bonus tip: If you plan to attend a closeted queer party that requires you to sign a non-disclosure agreement, swipe Alice’s phone — and the hidden camera she keeps strapped to her thigh.
7) Gray Baldwin, Gray Matters
Gray Baldwin may seem like the kind of girl you can just trick into taking a bubble bath with you — because obviously that’s what straight friends do — but in reality she is so much more than that. From ballroom dancing to bowling to rock climbing, Gray finds all sorts of athletic endeavors restorative. The possible activities for Valentine’s Day dates are endless! And because she’s practiced at doing therapy and physical activity at the same time, there is literally no situation you can concoct that she cannot process while it is happening. If emotional chow-chow is your thing (and if it’s not, get your Queer Card checked), Gray Baldwin is the date of your dreams.
Bonus tip: If you get bored with Gray, ask her to invite her best friend along. Molly Shannon is the balm for every ailment.
6) Alex Fisher, The Women
If you get lost, Alex will ask for directions. She only watches one TV show at a time. And the sex? Well, you’ll only get a coquettish smile when she’s talking about that. She’s a writer, which means any outbursts of verbal adoration will be warmly welcomed, but she’s just plucky enough to pretend she doesn’t need it. For a Valentine’s date, you can be sure Alex will wine and dine you with style — although beer is more her thing. Supermodels are also her thing, but she’s kind of bored with that scene.
Bonus tip: If you mess with her friends, she will kick your ass.
5) Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy
Due to the fact that that: a) Dr. Callie Torres is a hero surgeon, and b) Nearly every other staff member at Seattle Grace is incompetent, there is a decent chance she will get paged away during the middle of your Valentine’s Day date. Never fear; there is a special place at the hospital called the On Call Room, and if you think Dr. Torres is warm and expressive and just the right amount of arrogant on a normal day, you should experience her after she’s saved a life.
Bonus tip: The sooner you can convince her to move away from Seattle Grace, the better. And if you’re feeling particularly benevolent, take Dr. Yang and Dr. Bailey with you.