With Valentine’s Day coming up this weekend, we’ve put together a list of the 11 best lesbian and bisexual women to spend the year’s most romantic evening with.
And because we want nothing more than your happiness, we’ve given you a bonus tip on wooing each woman!
11) Helen Stewart, Bad Girls
The questions you ask yourself when considering a Valentine’s Day Date with Helen Stewart are not “Where will we go? What will we eat?” But rather, “Will she wear her leather jacket? Will she tuck her tongue between her teeth when she smiles? Is there even the slightest chance she will scold me?” Yes, to the jacket and the tongue thing, and you can probably bait her into chastising you. Just as the food arrives at your table, make a play for the restroom, but brace yourself: if she commands you to “sit down in that chair!” there is a chance you’ll swoon right into the soup.
Bonus tip: If, at any point in the evening, you find that your allegiance is being tested (i.e. the waiter asks you if Helen’s steak looks undercooked; the police officer asks you if Helen was speeding; the prisoners want you to help take over the jail), align yourself with Helen. Her amorous gaze is so much better than Glare of Death you’ll get if you’ve betrayed her.
10) Angela Montenegro, Bones
You may think that being a nerdy Jeffersonian wunderkind would make Angela socially inept. You would be wrong. She has enough social prowess to make up for her entire team at the Jeffersonian; she’s the only thing keeping them from drowning in a heap of gregarious incompetence. She loves her job, but she’s not married to it. If you can coax her out on Valentine’s Day, you’re in for a treat. She will bring out the most fun version of you.
Bonus tip: Maybe a date that doesn’t involve food would be a good choice. When Angela is around you never know whether or not you’ll happen to glimpse a half-decayed corpse.
9) Spencer Carlin, South of Nowhere
The thing about going on a Valentine’s Day Date with Spencer Carlin is that when you have her, you have her. A room full of influential people in fancy clothes going about their important lives with their alluring issues, and all Spencer wants to know is: How did everything go on your statistics mid-term? Earnest and lovable, loyal and patient. Plus she knows how to make the very best use of strategically placed undergarments and a rain coat.
Bonus tip: Make nice with her mom. She may look like a thoughtful, gorgeous, good-humored gay-rights activist, but that’s probably just her twin sister. Mama Carlin will drag you from the room by your ill-advised bangs if she sniffs something sinister about you.